A few weeks ago I received this review from Rachel M., a Lead Counsel who read Make Them Think:
“I’ve always been most impressed by leaders who ask thoughtful, well-timed questions that seem to change the direction of a project. This book helped me understand why those questions work and how to start using them myself.”
I loved this because Rachel put her finger on something most of us have experienced but never quite named. We’ve all been given advice that didn’t land. A solution that didn’t fit our actual problem, causing more anxiety than relief. We’ve also all had the experience of being asked really good questions that helped us discover our own answers in a way that energized us to take action.
What makes those questions so powerful? And more importantly, how do you become the person asking them?
That’s what this edition is about.
The ratio
Great coaches ask far more than they tell. The ratio should be about 90% asking, 10% telling. And that 10% isn’t advice. It’s the observations, reflections and clarifications we talked about in What It Means to Listen Generously.
For now, I want to focus on the 90%.
Most people, when they hear this ratio, are a little stunned. 90%? How is that even possible? How many questions can one possibly ask? That reaction is completely understandable. We’ve spent our whole careers being rewarded for having the right answer. The idea of spending 90% of a conversation asking questions can feel like giving something up.
It’s not. It’s actually the harder yet more valuable skill. And once you see what it makes possible, you won’t want to go back.
Here’s a quick experiment: in your next three meaningful conversations, pay attention to how much you’re asking versus telling. What percentage of your talking is questions versus statements, advice, or sharing your own experience?
Why we tell instead of ask
The impulse to tell runs deep, and it makes sense. Here’s what’s really happening:
Advising is faster, or so it seems. When you see the solution clearly, it feels inefficient to ask questions and wait for the other person to arrive at what you already know.
Advising feels like helping. We’ve been culturally conditioned to believe that having answers demonstrates competence and value. Asking questions can feel like you’re not contributing, not earning your keep. It triggers that voice that whispers, “They’re paying me for answers, not more questions.”
And here’s the sneaky one: your brain genuinely believes your solution will work for them. You solved a similar problem once, and your brain automatically filed that solution away as the answer. It takes conscious effort to override this and recognize that their experience of the situation is likely completely different from yours.
What this looks like in practice
Consider Marcus, a sales manager who comes to his manager frustrated about Jamie, a team member who’s been missing deadlines and seems disengaged.
In one version of this conversation, the manager jumps straight in. Performance improvement plan. Document everything. Thirty days. Here’s a script. Every time Marcus tries to add context like “they haven’t always been like this,” and “something changed six months ago,” the manager completely misses it and talks over him. Marcus ends the conversation with slumped shoulders and a resigned “yeah, you’re probably right.” He has a prescription. He has no ownership, no insight, and probably no intention of following through.
In the second version, the manager just asks questions. What are you noticing? When did the shift happen? What changed? Through that conversation, Marcus discovers something the manager never could have told him: that the “promotion” he gave Jamie six months ago accidentally removed everything Jamie loved about their work. Marcus leans forward. “I should have asked them what was happening six months ago.” He owns that insight completely. And he’s going to act on it.
Same situation. Completely different conversation. The difference was the ratio.
What asking actually does
When you ask questions instead of offering solutions, something important happens in the other person’s brain.
Questions signal: “I trust you to think this through. Your perspective matters. You’re capable.” This keeps people in discovery mode, where they can actually think.
When you tell someone what to do, their brain can perceive it as a social threat. A subtle signal that they’re not capable of figuring it out themselves. Their intentional thinking goes offline. They are no longer in a state where they can access creativity, insight, or their own problem-solving capabilities.
And here’s what else matters: when people discover their own answers, the insights stick. Self-generated insights create stronger neural pathways than information received passively. When you tell someone what to do, they might understand it intellectually. When they discover it themselves through questioning, it becomes more deeply integrated. They own it. And ownership is what leads to action.
What this sounds like in practice
When you’re practicing the 90/10 rule, you’ll find yourself asking questions like these:
- To understand their reality: “What’s important to you about this?” “How are you experiencing this?” “What does that mean to you?”
- To deepen exploration: “Say more about that.” “What else?” “What’s underneath that?”
- To generate insight: “What does that tell you?” “What are you noticing?” “What would you tell your best friend in this situation?”
- To move toward action: “What’s possible here?” “What do you want to be different?” “What’s one step forward?”
Notice what these questions do: they invite exploration, honor the other person’s expertise about their own life, and create space for self-discovery. They don’t lead toward your predetermined answer.
A quick watch-out
You’ll know you’ve slipped into telling mode when you notice yourself starting sentences with “You should…” or “Have you tried…” or “What worked for me was…” Or when you’re talking more than the other person. Or when you feel satisfied with yourself for having “helped” by telling them what to do, while they’ve gone quiet and passive.
When you catch yourself there, pause and ask yourself: “What question would help them think for themselves?”
Try this week
Track your ratio in your next three conversations. Pay attention to how much you’re asking versus telling. Notice the impulse to give advice, and when you feel it, pause. What are you assuming about the other person’s situation? What might be completely different about their version of the problem compared to yours?
And the next time someone asks you, “What should I do?” try resisting the urge to answer directly. Instead try: “What have you already considered?” or “What does your gut tell you?”
Notice what happens when you redirect them back to their own thinking.
That’s the whole game.
Jenn
Make Them Think: How to Coach for Ownership, Insight and Action is available now at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com. If this resonated, forward it to a leader in your life who feels the weight of having to have all the answers. This might be exactly the permission they need.
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