A client once stopped me mid-session and asked: “What are you doing?”
He’d noticed a pattern. Every time he brought me a problem, I wasn’t asking him to explain it further. I was asking him something else entirely.
I told him: “Every time you talk in problem terms, I ask about the solution.”
He looked at me like that was some kind of trick. Years later, after reading my book, he wrote: “I’ve always wondered what kind of magic she was pulling out of the hat. Seeing it down on paper, I’m like ‘oh, it’s not magic, it’s science.’”
That’s what I want to show you today. Not the concept. An actual conversation.
This idea comes from my book Make Them Think: How to Coach for Ownership, Insight and Action.
We’ve covered a lot of ground in this newsletter over the last few weeks. Stop giving advice. Ask more than you tell. Ask better questions. Those are the principles.
But here’s what the science actually tells us about why the direction of a question matters so much.
When someone is focused on a problem, recounting what went wrong, why it went wrong, who made it worse, their brain perceives threat. Defensive mode kicks in. And in defensive mode, creativity shuts down, perspective narrows, and the ability to think flexibly about the future essentially goes offline.
When you ask someone to imagine a better future instead, something shifts. You can actually see it: shoulders open, gaze lifts, breathing deepens. That’s not just “feeling better.” That’s the nervous system downregulating, the prefrontal cortex coming back online. Now the person in front of you has access to their full creative and cognitive capacity. Now they can actually find a path forward.
The research confirms it. Participants in solution-focused coaching experienced significantly more positive emotions, higher goal orientation, and fewer negative emotions than those in problem-focused coaching. The mechanism is the question itself.
Here’s why this is hard: “What happened?” is automatic. It tumbles out because it feels compassionate. How can you help if you don’t understand what’s wrong? We’re also culturally trained that good coaching means getting to the root cause before moving forward. And when someone arrives upset, our empathy pulls us to meet them in that emotional space. Redirecting toward possibility can feel like we’re minimizing their experience.
It isn’t. But it requires working against some pretty powerful instincts.
One important note: solution-focused doesn’t mean context-free. Sometimes you need a sentence or two of background to understand what you’re working with. The goal isn’t to cut people off mid-sentence and pivot to “What’s ideal?” The goal is to get just enough context to orient yourself, then redirect toward possibility before you both sink into the drama. A few minutes of context can be valuable. Ten or more minutes of rehashing is not.
Coaching With a Problem Focus
Sarah is training for a half-marathon. She wants to get faster, and her training plan includes speed work once a week. She keeps skipping those workouts. Her race is in six weeks.
Coach: “Last time we met, you were going to get two speed workouts in before we met again. What happened?”
Sarah: “I just… I can’t seem to make myself do them. The easy runs are fine, but when it’s speed day, I find excuses.”
Coach: “What kind of excuses?”
Sarah: “I’m too tired. The weather isn’t great. I didn’t sleep well. Sometimes I just look at the workout and think, ‘I can’t do that,’ and go for an easy run instead.”
Coach: “What makes you think you can’t do the workouts?”
Sarah: “Well, last Tuesday I was supposed to do 800s, but I’d been up late the night before. And then Thursday the workout was tempo intervals, and I haven’t done those in months, so I figured I’d just fail anyway. And the week before that…”
[Several minutes later…]
Coach: “So what’s getting in the way?”
Sarah: [Sighing] “I guess I just need more discipline.”
Coach: “What makes you say you’re not disciplined?”
Sarah: [Shoulders slumping] “Maybe I’m scared I’ll fail. Or maybe I’m just lazy.”
Coach: “Where do you think that fear comes from?”
Sarah: [Visibly deflated] “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.”
Notice where Sarah started: “I can’t seem to make myself do them.” Notice where she ended up: “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.” The problem-focused questions didn’t help her. They activated her defensive mode, triggered shame, and reinforced her limiting beliefs. She’s more discouraged than when she started, and no closer to completing a speed workout.
Coaching With a Solutions Focus
Same Sarah. Same problem. Different approach.
Coach: “I hear you’re frustrated. You want to get faster, and the speed workouts would help you get there. What do you want from our conversation today?”
Sarah: “I need to figure out how to actually do these workouts. My race is in six weeks.”
Coach: “Got it. Tell me about a speed workout you completed, even just one. What was different that day?”
Sarah: [Pauses, thinking] “Actually, about a month ago. It was 6×800 meters, and I crushed it. I felt really strong.”
Coach: “You crushed it. What made that day different?”
Sarah: [Energy lifting] “I did it with my running group. We all met at the track. There was this energy. We were all suffering together, but also cheering each other on. It was hard, but also kind of fun.”
Coach: “So when you had community and accountability, the workout went from something you dreaded to something you actually enjoyed. What does that tell you?”
Sarah: “That I do better when I’m not alone. I’ve been trying to do all these workouts by myself, and I think I just talk myself out of them.”
Coach: “What would it look like to create that for more of your speed sessions?”
Sarah: [Leaning forward] “My running group meets Tuesday evenings at the track. I could switch my speed day to Tuesday. Or ask a friend to meet me on my scheduled day.”
Coach: “When you imagine showing up to your next speed workout with people around you, all going through the same tough workout, how does that feel?”
Sarah: “Way less intimidating. Like I could actually do it instead of just hoping I’ll magically push myself.”
Coach: “You already have the capability. You proved that when you crushed those 800s. You just need the conditions that help you access it. What’s your next speed session, and how will you set yourself up?”
Same problem. Twelve minutes. A completely different outcome.
Here’s what changed between those two conversations: not the amount of caring, and not the depth of listening. What changed was the direction of the questions.
In conversation one, every question pointed backward: toward what went wrong, why it went wrong, who was to blame, what was broken. The brain treats that kind of inquiry as threat. Defensive mode activates. Creativity shuts down.
In conversation two, the questions pointed forward: toward what’s ideal, when it’s worked before, what conditions make success possible. That’s discovery mode. The brain opens up. Solutions emerge from the person who’s living the problem, not the person listening to it.
That’s the whole thing. That’s the science. That’s the method.
You don’t need to diagnose the problem to solve it. You need to help the person imagine their way out of it.
A quick cheat sheet for the next time you’re in this situation:
Instead of “What happened?” try “What’s ideal?” or “What do you want instead?”
Instead of “Why is this hard for you?” try “Tell me about a time this worked. What was different?”
Instead of “What’s getting in the way?” try “What would need to be true for this to succeed?”
The question you ask determines the conversation you have. Choose accordingly.
What’s one conversation you’ve been having on repeat that this might change? Tell me in the comments.
Want more conversation tools like this?
My book Make Them Think walks through the full framework leaders can use to build ownership through better questions.
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