“This person is amazing, BUT…”
I call this the big “BUT.” It comes up so often in conversations with leaders that I could finish the sentence for them. The BUT is a list of behaviors they want changed in someone on their team. The ones I hear most often: micromanaging, talking over people in meetings, defending their turf rather than collaborating cross-functionally. Whatever the specifics, the leader doesn’t want to lose this person. They see real potential. They want to invest. So they decide to bring in a coach.
But the person being offered a coach didn’t ask for coaching.
If you’re a professional coach, this comes up fairly often. If you’re a manager, it comes up all the time. Either way, the approach is similar. And it requires a different opening move than the rest of your coaching work, because the person walking into the first conversation isn’t there to be coached. Not yet. They’re there to figure out what is actually happening.
Their first questions aren’t about the work. They’re about you.
Can I trust this person? Who else are they talking to about me? What is going on here?
Until those questions get answered, no real coaching is possible. Their nervous system won’t let it.
What I learned the hard way
Early in my coaching career, I made the mistake of treating these first conversations like any other coaching session. Discovery questions. Vision exercises. I cringe to even admit this, but I actually had a worksheet that I filled out as I talked with them.
Of course, that went nowhere. The person sitting across from me wasn’t there to do the work. They were there to figure out whether I was safe.
Here’s what I do now.
If you’re an external coach, before you take on a commissioned engagement, contract three things with the person paying for it.
First, you meet the prospective client alone, before you commit to anything. Both of you need a chance to evaluate whether the engagement can work.
Second, you must be able to promise the client that everything you talk about is confidential. Nothing said in your sessions gets reported back to the person who hired you. If the sponsor can’t agree to that, walk away. Even if it costs you the engagement.
Third, when you meet the person, name what’s really happening here: this is a vote of confidence. Executive coaching is a serious investment of time and money. Companies don’t spend that on people they’re trying to push out. They spend it on people they want to develop and retain. Someone with real decision-making power looked at this person and said yes. Saying that out loud at the start can change the posture of the conversation.
If you’re a manager, the rules look slightly different. You can’t make the same blanket promise of confidentiality because some things will need to be documented (the formal review process, specific performance issues, anything compliance-related). But you can still earn the trust that makes real conversation possible. Be transparent up front about what you will document and what you won’t. Hallway conversations and the content of your 1:1s aren’t going into a file anywhere. What gets written in performance reviews will. The promise isn’t blanket secrecy. It’s clarity about where the line is.
Either way, what you’re really doing in this first phase is the same thing: assessing whether the kind of conversation you want to have is actually possible with the person in front of you.
That last piece is what most people skip.
The two conditions that decide whether coaching can work
Most people are coachable. A good coach can help someone make nearly any change they want in life. By asking the right questions, listening generously, and knowing when and how to propel the conversation toward action, it doesn’t matter whether you’re an expert in finance, running, career transition, or whatever their goal is. If you’re a skilled coach, and they’re a ready and willing client, the relationship will be productive.
It only takes two things to make someone coachable.
One: They have to want something to be different. There has to be some gap between where they are and where they want to be that they actually care about closing.
Two: They have to believe they have the power to effect change in their own life. We’ve all met people who see themselves as victims of circumstance. In a coaching context, that posture makes progress impossible. You’re not coaching their boss, coworker, spouse, or family of origin. You’re only working with them. And they have to feel agency over their own life and circumstances.
If both of those elements are present, even someone who arrived reluctantly can become a deeply engaged client. If either is missing, you’ll be pushing a boulder uphill.
Try this week
Think of someone you’ve been trying to coach who keeps going nowhere. A direct report. A client. A team member. Someone in your life who you keep trying to help.
Ask yourself two questions, honestly:
Do they actually want something to be different? Not what you want for them. What they want for themselves.
Do they believe they have the power to change it?
If either answer is no, you have your answer. Knowing it is more useful than another month of trying.
Final reflection
This isn’t about giving up on people. It’s about being honest about where they are now. The person who isn’t coachable today might be coachable in six months. You don’t get to that future by pretending you’re already there.
Have you ever caught yourself trying to coach someone who wasn’t ready? What gave it away? Tell me in the comments.
Jenn
Jenn Farrer is an ICF and NeuroLeadership Institute-certified executive coach and the author of Make Them Think: How to Coach for Ownership, Insight and Action. Available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
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