How to Keep Your 1:1 From Becoming a Vent Session

Last week, I wrote about knowing when to stop giving direction and start asking questions.

But there’s an important caveat:

The questions you ask will determine the outcome of the conversation.

Because asking questions doesn’t automatically make a conversation productive. In fact, the wrong questions can turn a 20-minute 1:1 into a 20-minute vent session.

Imagine someone on your team says, “My coworker is driving me crazy.”

What’s the most natural response?

“What happened?”

It feels compassionate. It feels helpful. But now you’re likely headed into everything the coworker said, what happened in last week’s meeting, what they always do, and why they’re impossible to work with.

Ten minutes later, you understand the problem in exquisite detail.

But you’re no closer to solving it.

The way out isn’t deeper into the problem. It’s toward the solution.

Instead of asking, “What happened?” try asking, “What would you like to happen instead?”

Or:

“What’s ideal?”

“What do you want this person to do?”

“What would need to be true for this to work?”

These questions shift the conversation away from analyzing what’s wrong and toward imagining what better could look like.

This doesn’t mean ignoring their feelings. If someone is frustrated, angry, disappointed, or overwhelmed, acknowledge it. Give them space to feel what they feel.

But your 1:1 isn’t therapy. You don’t necessarily need to understand every detail of why someone feels the way they do in order to help them move forward.

You can listen. You can acknowledge. And then you can help them look forward.

“That sounds incredibly frustrating. What would you like to have happen?”

That small shift changes the purpose of the conversation. Instead of helping someone become more articulate about the problem, you’re helping them think about what they want, what’s possible, and what they might do next.

Try This This Week

The next time someone brings you a problem, notice your first question.

Are you about to ask for more details about what’s wrong?

Before you do, try asking a question that points toward the desired future instead.

Sometimes the fastest way out of a problem is to stop talking about the problem.

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I explore this in further detail in my book, Make Them Think, available on Amazon, Bookshop.org, and on your favorite audiobook platform.