Have you ever walked into a conversation with the best intentions, and it still went completely sideways?
Maybe it was a one-on-one with a direct report.
Maybe it was a conversation with your spouse.
Maybe it was your child.
You started calm.
You wanted to help.
Then they said something that rubbed you the wrong way.
Or they got defensive.
Or they crossed their arms and leaned away.
Or they started explaining themselves when all you wanted was for them to hear you out.
Before you knew it, you were defensive too.
In these situations, we tend to think of defensiveness as a “them” problem.
It isn’t.
Defensive mode is contagious.
One person starts protecting themselves and before long everyone in the conversation is doing it.
When your brain detects a threat, it begins shifting resources toward protection. Your thinking narrows. You become more reactive. You stop looking for possibilities and start mobilizing to get away from the perceived danger.
The surprising part is how little it takes.
A critical tone.
An eye roll.
Feeling misunderstood.
A question that sounds more like an accusation than genuine curiosity.
Most of us have experienced the moment when a conversation stops feeling collaborative and starts feeling like a debate.
The moment someone begins defending themselves, it becomes much harder for either person to do their best thinking.
This matters because we spend so much time thinking about our message and so little time thinking about the state of mind we’re creating.
Think about the last time someone came to you with a problem.
Did they leave thinking more clearly?
Feeling more capable?
Trusting themselves more?
Or did they leave feeling judged, corrected, or micromanaged?
The answer has less to do with the quality of your advice than with the state of mind they were in when they received it.
People do their best thinking when they feel safe.
Not comfortable.
Safe.
There is a difference.
Growth often requires discomfort.
But growth rarely happens when someone feels they need to protect themselves.
This week, pay attention to your conversations:
Notice the moments when people become more open, curious, and thoughtful.
Notice the moments when they become guarded.
And notice your own role in creating both.
People don’t do their best thinking when they’re protecting themselves.
We like to believe defensiveness walks into the conversation with the other person. More often, we’re helping create it.
Because the quality of a conversation is often determined long before the solution appears.
It is determined by whether the people in it are in discovery mode or defensive mode.
~ Jenn
How do you actually help someone change? Jenn Farrer has built a career around answering this question as an ICF and NeuroLeadership Institute-certified executive coach, a certified running coach, and the author of Make Them Think: How to Coach for Ownership, Insight and Action.
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