People don’t change simply because we want them to. They change when they have a breakthrough in thinking for themselves. When people arrive at the solution themselves, they own it. And that ownership is what leads to action.
That’s easy to forget because when someone is struggling, our instinct is to help. The problem is that “helping” often takes the form of solutions, suggestions, explanations. But giving someone the answer can get in the way of the very change we’re trying to create.
I see this all the time in coaching. Let’s take the example of Sarah:
Sarah came to coaching because she wanted to exercise consistently. She knew it would improve her health, give her more energy, and help her manage stress. She wanted it.
She just couldn’t seem to make herself do it.
Sarah was a senior leader with two young children. She ran a large team, cared deeply about her family, and somehow managed to keep every ball in the air.
After describing everything she’d tried, she looked at me, frustrated.
It would have been easy to jump into problem-solving mode.
Block time on your calendar. Start with ten minutes. Lay out your workout clothes the night before.
They’re all reasonable ideas. In fact, I’ve tried them all myself.
But before we talked about solutions, I wanted to understand what her life actually looked like. So I asked her to walk me through a typical weekday.
She described waking before everyone else, getting two kids ready for school, commuting, leading meetings all day, answering hundreds of emails, making dinner, helping with homework, running bedtime, then logging back on after the kids were asleep to finish work.
When she finished, I asked her one question:
“Which part of that sounds undisciplined to you?”
She stopped.
Then she smiled.
“I guess none of it.”
That was the breakthrough.
Nothing about her circumstances had changed. She hadn’t received a better productivity system or a more motivating pep talk. What changed was how she understood herself.
She wasn’t lazy. She wasn’t undisciplined. She was already demonstrating extraordinary discipline every single day. The real challenge was never about creating more discipline. It was about creating more capacity.
Once she saw that, the conversation changed. Instead of asking, “How do I force myself to work out?” we started asking, “What can come off my plate?” Instead of trying to squeeze one more obligation into an already overflowing life, we explored how to make space for the habits that mattered most.
We were finally solving the right problem.
One of the central ideas in Make Them Think is that breakthroughs happen when people discover something they didn’t know they were thinking. Sometimes that discovery is exciting. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it arrives as an “aha,” and sometimes as an “oh… I’ve been looking at this all wrong.” Either way, it changes what happens next.
As coaches, managers, parents, and leaders, we often assume our job is to provide answers. But lasting change rarely begins with someone else’s answer. It begins when people see themselves, or their situation, in a new way.
That’s why ownership matters so much.
I never told Sarah she was disciplined. I simply asked a question that helped her see what had been true all along.
The breakthrough was hers.
So the next time someone brings you a problem, resist the pull to hand over the solution. Get curious instead. Ask yourself what they might need to see that they can’t quite see yet.
Because people don’t change simply because we tell them what to do. They change when they discover something they didn’t know they were thinking. That’s what creates ownership. And ownership is what leads to action.
For more on creating conversations that lead to insight, ownership, and action, check out my book Make Them Think. Audiobook now available.
Leave a comment