Psychology and neuroscience suggest that much of what drives our thoughts, emotions, and behavior happens below the level of our conscious awareness. We like to believe we’re making deliberate, rational decisions, but in reality, our brains are constantly processing far more information than we’re consciously aware of.
I believe one of the biggest limitations of modern coaching is that it relies almost exclusively on the thinking mind. Most coaching conversations happen from the neck up. We ask thoughtful questions. We challenge assumptions. We explore beliefs. Those things matter. But if much of our experience lives below conscious awareness, conversations that focus only on what someone can immediately put into words are only accessing part of the picture.
The question becomes: How do we begin to notice what’s happening below the surface?
One of the most accessible places to begin is by paying attention to the body.
Your body often registers what your conscious mind hasn’t caught up to yet. A tightening in your chest before a difficult conversation. A clenched jaw as someone challenges your idea. A knot in your stomach when something doesn’t feel right. Or a feeling of expansion when you finally land on the right decision. These aren’t distractions from the conversation. They’re part of the conversation.
The same is true for the person sitting across from you. Someone tells you they’re excited about a new opportunity, but their shoulders slump and the energy in their voice changes. A colleague insists they’re “totally on board” with a suggested change, but they look down when they say it. A prospective client says they’re ready to move forward, yet their body language stays guarded.
Those moments aren’t invitations to jump to conclusions. They’re invitations to get curious.
Instead of moving past them, you might simply say, “I noticed your shoulders dropped just now. What happened?” Or, “As you said that, I noticed you took a deep breath. What’s happening for you?” Often, those small observations open the door to conversations that never would have happened if we’d only listened to the words.
Great conversations don’t just engage the mind. They engage the whole person. The more of the person we invite into the conversation, the greater the opportunity for insight, ownership, and lasting change.
Try this this week: During your next important conversation, pay attention to more than the words. Notice the sensations in your own body. Notice their body language and voice. Do you sense tension? Ease? A shift in energy? You don’t have to interpret what it means. Just notice it, and if it feels appropriate, get curious.
Sometimes the most important part of a conversation is the part that never gets said out loud.
I explore this in further detail in my book, Make Them Think. The audiobook is now available on most audiobook platforms.
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